We're Having A Baby!!

We’re having a baby!!

Holy crap, we are SO excited. And also terrified. So feeling completely normal, right?

If you haven’t caught up on our journey to kids, please feel free to read up on why we never wanted kids here, and what changed for us here.

Have you caught up yet? I promise the rest of this will make more sense once you have. 

Read it? Yes? Awesome. Let’s cut to it.

After being diagnosed with PCOS (Poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and having the challenges that come along with that when we were ready for kids, then inexplicably losing my period for 6-8 months, we decided it’s time to go get some fertility help.

We met with our OBGYN who was assisting me with PCOS and let her know we are trying for kids and might need some help. She explained to us that for “normal” couples (i.e. no fertility issues present on outset) she recommends trying for at least 12 months before seeking fertility treatments. In our case, since I already had a diagnosed fertility condition and had lost my cycle for such an extended time without cause, she said we could try naturally for 3-6 months and then start with interventions and treatments to help us with fertility. 

After discussing it in early 2020, Jake and I decided that we would go for the 6 month timeframe and then start with fertility treatments. That appointment date was June 9, 2020. 

At first, I still hadn’t gotten my cycle and we didn’t know why, so we were kind of trying — but not trying while we waited for my body to sort itself out.

As another month or two went by without a cycle, we checked in with our doc and she recommended we come in to see her in April to stimulate a cycle if I haven’t had by that time and undergo more testing to figure this out before we start fertility in June.

Then, as I’m sure you know, we had a global pandemic.

(I swear this is important)

Where we live, work, and play all shut down. If you know me well, you know that it’s almost unheard of that I stop moving and shaking and taking the world on. I’m almost always on the go with multiple projects, work ventures, gigs, creative pursuits, alongside my career, travels, and family life.

That all came to a screeching halt in mid March and there wasn’t much that we could still do the same way. I decided to look at this as a break (keep in mind I was working from home and keeping busy, how could I not, but it was in a different more relaxed way) and with Jake working from home too, we found a nice relaxing rhythm. 

Come April, my body shocked me completely by having a cycle without intervention. SAY WHAAAAT. After thinking that it would be this waiting game, or some weird thing at the doc to stimulate a cycle and then starting fertility, I couldn’t believe that I still had a realistic chance at this naturally.

Up until then, we were casually trying but soon after that cycle we decided to really go for it. I mean, I’m not the person to “half ass” anything so…we really gave it a go.

Since having PCOS means (for me) that I have extremely irregular cycles and ovulation, we never knew when to try, when I was ovulating, or heck — even if I would ovulate again at all.

But with all this time at home, resting, relaxing, and alone together…we had plenty of opportunity to try.

Another month went by and we were creeping closer and closer to our fertility treatment start date and I could feel my stomach start to tighten whenever I thought about it.

Constantly thinking and hoping, “What if we really can do this? What if this is going to work? What if this doesn’t? What if we can’t figure this out?”

It was like being on a seesaw of hope and expectation and then trying to reality check the facts. Ultimately I was too scared to take any more pregnancy tests after past experiences because the disappointment I had early in the year (months of negatives) really got to me. I figured that the rest and relaxation was doing me favours and I wasn’t going to mess with it by stressing about testing, too.

So there we were, the morning before our fertility treatments and I figured, “Well, I might as well take a test now because I know the doc will make me take one at my appointment tomorrow and I would really like to know the results in private first.”

So I did.

And it was negative.

Or so I thought.

Another thing you should know about me is that I’m incredibly impatient. I know the test says to wait a few minutes before results but after about 20 seconds and no “second line” saying positive, I figured it was just like all the other tests and quickly jumped into the shower to start my day.

A few minutes later, Jake came in the bathroom and took a peek at the test.

I could hear him squeak, “Uh babe? There’s a faint line here.”

I answered, “Nope, there isn’t I checked.”

Jake, the god of patience asked me, “Did you wait the full 3 minutes?”

I, not surprisingly to him, answered back, “No, you’ll see the results right away.”

He squeaked again a little higher but more urgently, “Okay, ‘cause there’s a faint line here.”

I immediately whipped open the shower, water spraying everywhere, and motioned for him to show me the test. He held it out and I had to bring it all the way up to my face because I can’t see anything without my glasses and saw to my udder and complete shock:

Two lines.

One strong, and one very, very, faint.

I thought it was my eyes playing tricks, that I didn’t have my glasses, that maybe the light was weird in the bathroom.

But there it was: a little tiny, ever so faint, line.

I was turning the test this way and that and the line would play hide and seek, kind of there, kind of not.

I looked up to see Jake grinning.

I said, “We need more tests.”

As it turns out, that was the last test we had in the house and later that day we went out to get more. At this point, I was thinking, “Screw the lines. We need one of those digital ones that will tell me in plain words.”

The next morning before our appointment with OBGYN to start fertility, I woke up super early to pee (yes, looking back this habit was definitely a sign of early pregnancy) I took the next test.

Actually I took two.

My heart was pounding as I was waiting alone in the wee hours of the morning with bedhead in the bathroom.

And there it was:

“Pregnant 2-3 weeks.”

And yes, two very strong lines.

Listen, this was statistically not supposed to be a thing for us. With PCOS, yes you can conceive, but we thought with my cycle struggles and extreme irregularity along with ovulation struggles, that this just wouldn’t happen without medical intervention.

We were planning on kids, hoping for kids, but not expecting them anytime in the next year or two to be honest. We were ready and signed up for what we thought was going to be at least a couple of years of a fertility journey. Even though it was planned — this was not expected.

Then our little miracle baby happened.

(Yes, I’m crying right now just telling this story back. Pregnancy hormones much?)

We can’t put into words how happy, and also anxious, we are.

As you could imagine, we were SO excited, in disbelief and also terrified. With PCOS it increases our risks of complications with pregnancy so we decided to just keep this little miracle between the two of us for a while. 

As time went on, things started looking better and better. (And yes, I started feeling worse and worse — thanks first trimester.)

We heard the heartbeat, did our genetic testing, had our ultrasound, and before we knew it, we were close to the second trimester and coming to that infamous line of when miscarriage risk goes down.

P.S. That first trimester is no joke. My respect for anyone who has been pregnant has gone up significantly. And mine wasn’t even that bad.

Now, as I’m writing this, I’m 18 weeks and nearly halfway there. Well into my second trimester and I’m still kind of in shock. So far, things are looking really good and feeling like myself again — just with a growing-daily-belly and baby.

Being in the second trimester is so exciting. Seeing the baby move on the ultrasounds, watching my body really change, and oh — the hormones, (Yes, I cry at Tim Horton’s commercials and Toronto Raptors games now?) is truly magical.

It’s all the more real that this is actually happening.

We’ve since spilt the beans to our family, friends, and social media (I popped back on after a year of being away to announce our good news. And then promptly deleted it all again, LOL!) and the support and encouragement and love has been over-freaking-whelming. We can’t thank our circles enough for embracing us and our soon to be babe with such loving open arms.

We’re still SO happy and excited (and like I said, I’m finally feeling better, nausea and extreme fatigue be gone!) but also still so anxious. 

To want something so bad, that is out of my control for the most part, is such a hard, hard thing, y’know?

Welcome to parenthood I guess. Feeling vulnerable, full of love, and terrified, all at the same time. 

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we continue growing this little babe and hopefully smoothly bringing them earthside sometime around February 15, 2021. 

And Baby Aller:

I love you so so much. 

I feel you moving in my belly (sometimes I’m not sure if it’s only just lunch yet)

I can’t wait for the day I get to hold you in my arms.

I can’t wait for me and your dad to watch you grow into your own awesomeness. 

Every day, as you grow, you carve a bigger and bigger piece of my heart that will forever be yours.

I’m so excited to meet you.

I love you baby.

Always,

Your Mom

(Yes, I’m tearing up again writing that, too.)